Crisscrossing Layers of Privilege
by Miki Kashtan
Last Saturday, while leading the first day of the Leveraging Your Influence yearlong program, I responded unskillfully to a participant I will call James. What happened points directly to the way that the experience of privilege or lack thereof shapes our lives. How we handled it, and what I have learned in the process give me some hope. In particular, I got an important new clue about why conversations across lines of privilege so easily break down and what we can do about that.
Here’s the dialogue, just about verbatim. It happened as we were breaking into dyads, shortly after someone brought to my attention that a female participant had been sitting quietly in the back, behind me, having arrived later than others.
James: Are you going to invite that girl to join the pairs?
Miki: She is a woman, not a girl. I am pretty sure she is older than thirteen or fourteen.
James: OK, that beautiful woman.
Miki: She doesn’t have to be beautiful, just a woman.
Recovering from Unskillfulness
Before continuing with the story of what happened, I hope you can see why I call my response “unskillful”. What I am giving my life to is nonviolence, which I often quickly capture as the courage to speak truth with love. While I certainly spoke about what was of concern to me (more about that later), I would be hard pressed to categorize my speech under “love”. I have been a truth-speaker as far back as I can remember; adding love to my speech took years. I now know that it takes more, not less, courage to speak truth with love than to speak truth in any form. Speaking truth with love requires us to remove protection, to open our hearts to someone whose actions we have an issue with. That is what takes the extra courage, over and above the immense courage needed to speak truth at all. We all know how much easier it is not to speak at all.
As we were setting up the pairs, James let me know that he was too distracted by what had happened, and couldn’t bring his presence to a dyad. My co-leader Aya and I then stepped aside with him while the rest of the group was doing the dyad activity as planned.
James then proceeded to tell me all the ways in which my response to him really didn’t work, and, in particular, expressed his concern that it would diminish my leadership in the eyes of others in the group. He wanted me to speak of this in the whole group, something I had complete ease in accepting. As soon as he called my attention to what had happened, I knew right away that I had responded in ways that were not aligned with my values, and I was grateful for the opportunity to demonstrate a relaxed willingness on the part of a leader – in this case, me – to take responsibility for acting with less than full integrity. Any moment in which I can contribute to dismantling the expectation of perfection is an opportunity for me.
Then I asked James if he wanted to hear what was going on for me that led to acting without full choice. When I began to let James know that I lost my sense of choice because of being so surprised that after decades of women speaking about the topic of “girl” vs. “woman” I was still encountering it. At this point, James became upset again. Our time to talk outside the group was winding down, because the dyad activity was coming to an end. I concluded our time by noting that the original issue in the name of which I spoke unskillfully was not on the table, and that I wanted it to be.
The next chapter was public. Honoring James’ request, I shared with the group all the details of what had happened, not yet including the very last thing I said. I acknowledged having spoken unskillfully, and asked to see how many people had indeed experienced, like James, some diminishment of trust in my leadership. A few hands were raised. I was pleased that people felt free to express it. I treasure this kind of feedback, which I rarely see exchanged. As we engaged with what happened, I fully took responsibility for my actions that were not aligned with how I want to be. At the same time, I know that, in my body and language, I was also modeling full acceptance of myself, of James, and of others in the group. This, to me, is a key element in what I like to call “transparent recovery”, an indispensable leadership capacity if we want to model living in the world beyond right and wrong notions. I could sense that the group was settling, having had a chunk of learning and appreciation for the vulnerability and openness of all that had happened.
A Painful Dynamic of Privilege
I was not done, however. Even after all the discussion in the group, the original issue (girl vs. woman) was still not attended to.
So I brought it to the group and asked again for a show of hands, this time about how many people noticed and were uncomfortable about the statements that James had made to which I responded. Many more hands by far went up than previously.
This was a live example of a common dynamic that is very familiar to people without privilege. The three step “dance”, if I can call it that, was perfectly demonstrated by what had happened.
Step 1: a person with privilege (such as white, male, higher class, or some combination of the above) says or does something that is challenging for people without that privilege to hear, and, likely without any awareness of the effect of their words or actions.
Step 2: a person affected by the words or actions speaks up about it.
Step 3: the person with privilege is upset, and the attention of the group goes to that person.
In that dance, the original words or action are not attended to. The person who risked themselves by speaking up – with or without skill or love – remains alone and without support.
I have heard and seen this dynamic so many times, from multiple angles. It was the first time that I saw it so clearly and from a position that allowed me to name it with all the care that I wasn’t finding a way to bring to my original response to James. This whole exchange gave me some confidence that we, as a group, would be able to notice, name, learn, mourn, and choose our responses together as a group. It would leave us more capable of attending to what would happen in our midst, and, for each of us, as we witnessed such dynamics elsewhere.
Dimensions of Privilege
It was then that Aya called attention to one more aspect of the situation. Granted that James is male and I am female, and the power differences that are entailed by that difference. This was not the only experience of privilege present in the room. At the same time, I was also the leader of the group, with particular experiences of privilege that come from that. Not the least of these is that any words said by me, by any leader, carry more weight than words spoken by another. When I respond to James unskillfully, the chances of someone supporting him in his discomfort are far smaller than if any other woman in the group spoke using the exact same words. Similarly, James’ ability to respond to me as compared to any other woman in the group would have been different, too.
As we grappled with this added complexity, something else fell into place. I have long known that it is uncomfortable for people to take ownership and responsibility for their privilege. As a sweeping generalization, it seems to me that when we have access to privilege, we welcome its benefits to us while distancing ourselves from the awareness that our privilege means someone else’s lack of it (or it wouldn’t be a “privilege”). This is part of why it’s so much easier for so many people to say that they are “fortunate” than to say they are “privileged.” In addition, we all like to believe that having access to privilege doesn’t change how we are towards other people, especially those without the privilege. All of this is so understandable, painfully and ironically so: it’s because we want to have a sense of moral alignment within ourselves.
The incident with James brought one more piece of clarity to this puzzle. This understanding came from seeing how the challenge of owning our privilege interacts with the reality that, whatever our circumstances, there is almost always some dimension of privilege we have and some we lack. The result is that we will tend to identify with the aspects of ourselves that lack privilege even as we enjoy the fruits of the privilege we do have. In this case: James identified with being a student, not a man. I identified with being a woman, not the leader.
If this insight is correct, it could help make sense of why interactions across lines of privilege are so difficult. The person perceived by others to be privileged in the dance I described above, if they don’t experience themselves as privileged, would be dumbfounded, upset, hurt, and feeling likely helpless in relation to wanting their humanity to be seen at the very same time that someone else is longing for them to take responsibility for their actions and hear and take in their effect.
Why the hope? Because it seems to me that understanding how these things operate we can become more powerful in attending to them. Those of us in positions of privilege could always use practice and growing willingness to recognize our privilege, to accept with great tenderness that we are likely to express it without awareness and contribute to effects we would never wish on anyone else, and to learn to open to hear of that effect regardless of our intentions and how much we want them seen.
Meanwhile, those of us calling out ways in which unaware privilege continues to operate can integrate more fully into our approach the reality of how challenging it would be for the other person to hear the effect of their actions without some acknowledgment of their intentions. This is often extremely hard to do, because it’s precisely at a time when we have been affected painfully by that very person’s actions. A clear stretch into nonviolence: learning, ever more fully, to integrate the basic premise of having the courage to speak truth and have it truly be infused with love.
INVITATION: To discuss this and other posts with me and other readers of this blog, check in to the free Fearless Heart Teleseminars. Next dates:
Sunday, Feb 7, 10:30am-12:00pm PT
Monday, Feb 8, 5:30pm-7:00 PT
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13 thoughts on “Crisscrossing Layers of Privilege”
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This is the most poignant post I have read yet on this page. I cannot thank you enough Miki for sharing this, and for exposing with such clarity the inherent and painful difficulties in communicating, and dealing with these different layers of privilege. I may be using this post for years to come. Being sometimes in positions of leadership, and more often in positions of the one calling out behaviors that are inconsistent with the values expressed in groups, or situations, I am often left out as the scape goat in groups for this “courage”. I cannot thank you enough for sharing this with such clarity, authenticity, and transparency.
I am confused because though you say you spoke unskillfully and that how you spoke was not in line with your values. I do not see why pointing out the woman was a woman and not a girl and observing that she doesn’t need to have the word “beautiful” in front of the word woman is unskillful. Is it because you noticed that this mans comments triggered something in you and you did not express your feelings and needs? I’m guessing annoyed or irritated because you are in touch with your love of respect and a wish for people to avoid evaluations like “Beautiful”?
Here’s the simplest way I can express this. I spoke in a way that exposes James in public, that has a sarcastic and therefore somewhat “shaming” quality. I didn’t speak in a way that recognized his humanity in the process.
Hope this helps,
I enjoyed reading your blog post. This paragraph stood out for me especially:
“As we grappled with this added complexity, something else fell into place. I have long known that it is uncomfortable for people to take ownership and responsibility for their privilege. As a sweeping generalization, it seems to me that when we have access to privilege, we welcome its benefits to us while distancing ourselves from the awareness that our privilege means someone else’s lack of it (or it wouldn’t be a “privilege”). This is part of why it’s so much easier for so many people to say that they are “fortunate” than to say they are “privileged.” In addition, we all like to believe that having access to privilege doesn’t change how we are towards other people, especially those without the privilege. All of this is so understandable, painfully and ironically so: it’s because we want to have a sense of moral alignment within ourselves.”
In addition to “moral alignment” –which I imagine you mean a kind of integrity, for me what this speaks to (including about racism–which I’ve been thinking about daily I think for pretty much my adult life) is how we are naturally empathic as a species. While we benefit from the advantages of having priviledge—be that because of gender/ expression, physical features/culture/power (i.e. race), class, sexual orientation, body size, etc on some level we’re uncomfortable and uneasy—because we do want all people’s needs to matter—we do care about others. People are overwhelmed and don’t know how to change the system/dynamic, and/or are fearful of losing the benefits of what they are enjoying–AND at the same time, on some level, are uncomfortable with it… as NVC trainers, we know fear and discomfort (often unconscious- or not fully conscious) can easily come out as defensiveness, push back, and aggression. I think it was James Baldwin, when asked why white people treat black people the way we do, commented (am paraphrasing here), “It’s hard to forgive those that you’ve treated badly.” He also said- and this is a direct quote: “I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.” I think this awareness– of the implicit empathy AND pain “underneath” micro-aggressions is a key element in address differences of power and opportunity (ie priviledge and all the -isms).
Thank you for this comment. I appreciated just about every word you wrote. In particular, I appreciated your elucidation of what I meant by moral alignment: I was referring precisely to that discomfort that emerges from empathy. For me morality emerges from empathy and care, not from notions of right and wrong, or from applying ethical rules, so the two are intertwined for me. In that sense, your unpacking of it hopefully may help people see it even more clearly.
I also loved the Baldwin quotes, which get to the heart of what took me so many more words to say.
Miki, thanks for this post. You’ve given me a new way to look at personal interactions. I was particularly intrigued by this part of your post.
“Step 1: a person with privilege (such as white, male, higher class, or some combination of the above) says or does something that is challenging for people without that privilege to hear, and, likely without any awareness of the effect of their words or actions.
Step 2: a person affected by the words or actions speaks up about it.
Step 3: the person with privilege is upset, and the attention of the group goes to that person.
In that dance, the original words or action are not attended to. The person who risked themselves by speaking up – with or without skill or love – remains alone and without support.”
This is helpful to me in naming and identifying a dynamic I think I have often seen and felt. Alone and hurt when I was the one who spoke up in Step 2 and paralyzed when I was the one who was observing the situation. So one way this 3-step outline is helpful to me is that when I feel paralyzed I now think I might be able to make a simple process comment. “Somehow we seem to be avoiding the issue of referring to women as girls.” I doubt I would suggest that we actually do talk about it, but it’s better than not saying anything.
I’m not identifying with times in Step 2 when I was the person with privilege who says something challenging and in Step 3 gets upset and diverts attention to myself and away from the original issue. The other way this 3-step outline is helpful to me is that I now have a curiosity about how I respond or react in such situations. I think my response in such situations would be to emotionally withdraw and be silent. But maybe I’m wrong.
Miki, Before the week gets away from me, just wanted to share/add that i was riveted throughout the webinar yesterday. I felt as if I’ve finally “come home” and incidentally slept soundly which is a rare thing for me. For someone who has travelled extensively in my formative years and so has felt no place to call home, the experience was exquisite, truly memorable. Deep, deep gratitude. kenjii.
p.s. i didn’t know how to conract you and thought this would be one way to communicate with you. Hope it’s ok.
p.s.. just got off work and I’m noticing the impact of yesterday’s work is still very much alive for me. The evening air has a crispness to it that is reminiscent of the aftermath of a “good cry,” although no tears were shed. And am also noticing Mozart’s majestic music coming through the radio reminds me of the commitment, courage and clear but tempered passion you have for the work. thanks for including us on your journey! k
I thought of sharing the clarity I got.
When we have access to privilege:
a. We welcome its benefits
b. We are not necessarily present to someone’s lack of it
c. At any given moment, there are some dimensions of privilege we have plenty of and some we lack
d. When we feel challenged by reality, say during a moment of conflict or during trying circumstances, we tend to relate with ourselves from dimensions we lack while being indifferent to dimensions we have abundance of
e. In such circumstances, we assume we don’t have to assuredly own who we are being
When we express ourselves from dimensions that we lack (of privilege), we are likely to contribute to impact unaware of our well disposed intentions; the very intentions that we want others to see and acknowledge in the first place.
In any relationship or circumstance, we are likely to be perceived by others to be privileged. When we operate from dimensions that are lacking, we are likely to have an upset wanting to be understood and/or our upset addressed. Meanwhile, others who perceived us as privileged eagerly want us to take responsibility of our impact (they want us to hear and take in our effects). While this dynamic plays out almost predictably, the context/relationship suffers waiting for restoration.
Will I have the courage to speak the truth with *love* when reality challenges me?
You’re brilliant and such a gift to humanity.
I’ve been dealing with flood in the basement and am only now able to pass along a few actions items, as I mentioned briefly in our last conference call and as aptly suggested in the following tweet #JusticeForGynnya @LeslieMac,
“I’ve done extensive research- all I see are white anti-racist groups & people discussing waking up white people & supporting black leaders. [While] both of those endeavors are sound & necessary…we cannot afford for white anti-racists groups & people to be stuck inan endless loop of education & reflection. WE NEED ACTION.
+Where are the anti-racists ready to create a Natl DB of mental illness emergency numbers – so 911 is not the go to for mental health crisis?
+Where are the anti-racists ready to demand THEIR representative go ON THE RECORD about their thoughts on BlackLivesMatter ?
+Where are the anti-racists who are ready to call on their CHURCH LEADERS & demand they bring this fight to their faith?
Reading/familiarizing oneself with reputable online sites published and created by blacks will likely further inform those who feel compelled to take action:
+Color.com, jointly published by the Applied Research Center, a public policy institute that focused on race, and the Center for Third World Organizing
+Huffingpost’s Black Voices
+TheRoots.com, launched by Yale professor Henry Louis Gates
+blacklivesmatter.com , founded by three black women and which I find singularly illuminating
I myself am finalizing a structural solution which I hope to share soon. This may well be a little late for the conference call in less than half an hour. Welcoming comments.
Dear Miki, thank you so much for this post. I feel so incredibly touched and deeply moved by it. It also was incredibly validating and healing for me to read growing up in Israel, going through bullying I don’t feel like I have enough capacity to access in my memory, having to hide my softness and never feeling quite understood what I mean by the culture of harshness and all the oppression dynamics both meaning the division within the country (jewish people being less Jewish than others hence less accepted) and against Palestinian people. It was heartbreaking for me and marked another point of loss of the innocence when my family and I moved here from Ukraine when I was 11. I was unwanted Jewish girl in Ukraine and I wasn’t enough Jewish in Israel. And I couldn’t agree more with your mentioning lack of mobility in the world. I feel sometimes suffocated to have to live here; it’s my wish to move out of here and yet so far it deems to be impossible. So I am mourning that too in the present reality. I am so grateful to you for validating all these points; it was incredibly therapeutic for me to read. Your work gives me hope and a sense of home and community that feels safe and with which I share my vision. Thank you so much.
This was amazing to read. Such different histories, and yet a deep overlap. Thank you for reading, thinking, and then sharing what arose.
If you want to be more engaged with the work, check out http://nglcommunity.org — maybe you will want to join as a friend and attend calls and we can get to know each other…